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| Every baseball scout has this picture framed in their bedroom |
Fans loved the AL preview so much, they asked for me to write one on the NL side. And by fans I mean nobody. I’m nothing if not a man of the people! Anyways here are my briefest of brief blurbs for the NL, made for fans who want to look like they’re in the know at the water cooler. Do people still hang out there? That’s a different story. Here they are:
Arizona Diamondbacks: After a 29 game improvement last season, and a division championship, the snakes got even better this offseason. They have an excellent chance at repeating this season, as they bolstered an already strong pitching staff with the acquisition of Trevor Cahill. Really I think they’re going to be an unstoppable freight train, the likes of which not even Denzel Washington can stop. Bill Simmons calls what I’m doing, a ‘reverse jinx’ for the Giants. I don’t think I was supposed to say that. (A reverse jinx is a prediction which is the opposite of the outcome desired by the person making it. It’s science)
Atlanta Braves: One of the most stunning developments of spring training is the emergence of Fat Chipper Jones.
Even though he looks like he put bowling balls in his stomach, he denies his fatness. What the Braves should really be concerned with is Jason Heyward. If he can become the superstar he was projected be and iron out his swing and injury issues, the Braves should be able to recover from last year’s epic collapse.
Chicago Cubs: This is what I imagine Theo Epstein’s bucket list to be:
1) Break Curse of Bambino for Red Sox (check)
2) Break 103 year World Series drought for Cubs (in progress)
3) Solve World Hunger
4) Discover Big Foot
5) Prove the existence of Nessie
Who named it Nessie anyways? Seriously, if Epstein can free the Cubs of their curse, and free TWO of the most popular fan bases in sports of utter despair, he’ll be the most beloved man ins sports. He might not do it this year, but the team has talent and I wouldn’t be surprised if they hang around until the All-Star break.
Cincinnati Reds: They made the playoffs in 2010 and missed it by a lot in 2011. Expect 2012 to mirror more 2010 than 2011. They acquired Padres ace Matt Latos and still have former MVP Joey Votto to lead an above average lineup that plays in a bandbox of a ballpark. Don’t doubt me, Mr. Red is watching you.
Colorado Rockies: Their offense should still be… wait for it… here it comes…rock(y) solid. Unfortunately their pitching is mediocre at best, so the most exciting part of this team besides Tulo and Cargo, is my last pun.
Houston Astros: It would be easy for me to beat a dead horse, pour salt in a wound, or add insult to injury. So I’m not. Now by prefacing with that, I can’t say anything positive about this team, but might I add Houston is a wonderful city. Great barbeque.
Los Angeles Dodgers: General Manager Ned Colleti’s lifelong dream is to collect every single utility infielder in America and put them on the Dodgers. My evidence is this offseason, where he signed 3 utility infielders for positions he already had filled. That said, any team with Matt Kemp, Clayton Kershaw and Andre Eithier has a chance to win. With the McCourt divorce settling out, I’m not going to count out the Dodgers from contending in the NL West.
Miami Marlins: What was once a low budget, sparse spending team turned into the Miami Yankees. They spent big money this offseason signing Heath Bell, Mark Buerhle, Carlos Zambrano, Jose Reyes and traded for manager Ozzie Guillen. Their spending should pay off, at least for this season as their free agent signings should complement their phenomenal young nucleus. Logan Morrison put is best on twitter:
Actually that has nothing to do with baseball, I just thought it was funny.
Milwaukee Brewers: The revoked suspension of Ryan Braun is going to help tremendously, yet the loss of Prince Fielder is going to be devastating. The team can still pitch however and if Rickie Weeks and Aramis Ramirez can fill the void left by Fielder, they’ll be right in the mix come September. On the bright side, with no Prince there should be less competition at the clubhouse spread post game.
New York Mets: The good news is that Johan Santana is coming back from injury after missing over a year and a half. That should help the team be at least average to slightly above average. The bad news is that New York is currently located on the east coast. Since they are on the East Coast, they play in the NL East division. Average will be just about good enough for last place in that division. That’s also just about how far my geography knowledge goes.
Philadelphia Phillies: Last year, unconfirmed sources reported they already won the 2011 World Series before the season started. True story, it was all over the news. Unfortunately, the season still went on, and they lost in the first round of the playoffs. There’s been much less buzz surrounding them this year, yet they still should hover right around the top of the NL East. However, competition has stiffened in the division, so their journey to the playoffs won’t be as easy.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Last season they toyed with contention around the All-Star Break. That was funny. They collapsed in the second half and finished below .500 for the 19th straight year. As noted in an earlier post, their number one starter is Eric Bedard on ESPN depth charts. This is a problem. After overachieving last season, look for the Buccos to come back to Earth this year. And by Earth I mean Snowball Earth for them.
San Diego Padres: They made a bevy of moves during the offseason, none of which gave them supreme major league talent. However their putrid offense from last season should improve and their pitching will benefit from the Petco effect. Speaking as a Giants fan, the Padres always find away to creep up on you when you least expect it.
San Francisco Giants: Instead of adding any major improvements through free agency, the Giants stood pat and are banking on the return of Buster Posey and Freddy Sanchez. It’s been widely reported that Giants hitters were forced to hit with tree sticks they found in the forest last season. I know that can’t be true, because there are no forest in San Francisco! The pitching is still fantastic, and if the offense can score more then .3 runs a game, the Giants should be right in the race.
St. Louis Cardinals: In the span of about 2 months, the Cardinals went from celebrating a World Series championship to mourning the loss of one of the greatest hitters in baseball, Ryan Theriot. They also lost Albert Pujols. Get it? It’s funny because Ryan Theriot is bad, and Albert Pujols is good, but I acted like it was the other way around. You may not care for that clever joke, but the with the team’s new free agent acquisitions and Adam Wainwright’s return, the Cardinals might be better this year than last, even without Pujols.
Washington Nationals: The Nats have never made the playoffs ever. EVER. That means they haven’t made it in… wait… hold on let me do the math…carry the 45… u sub the 4x… integrate… ok got it, 7 years. They’ve been stuck at the doormat of the division ever since moving to the capital, however this year looks to be their best shot at making it to October baseball. Their pitching staff has a lot of talent, and they’ve always been able to hit well. The NL East is going to be packed.
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